worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
