those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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