dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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