I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
