We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
