if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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