woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize