your parents love me but you hate me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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