Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
