awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
smell my finger.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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