I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
