Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
