my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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