I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
