some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
