i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
