I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
