I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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