got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
