The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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