remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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