Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
