A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
