The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
