matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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