Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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