My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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