im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I love you.
Bad choice
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