youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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