I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize