I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
