i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
