You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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