I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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