Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
