And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
