So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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