Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
