The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
