Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Randomize
