I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
