hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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