I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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