I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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