Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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