genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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