You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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