he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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