I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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