I puked a lego.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
