if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
