My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
