So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
