So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize