sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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