On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
